The Torture Chamber

Here I am again.
Sitting on the edge.
Rocking back and forth.
Wanting to break free.
And yet wanting it to trap me.
Drown me.
Kill me.
Do I?
Or is just easier to accept
The smoke and mirrors
I've erected
From the dozens of poisons
I've selected
Slow torture
False ecstasy
Numbed-out orgasms
Who was she?
I don't know,
Just another notch on the pole
Another tarnished trophy
Making me feel anything but whole
I can no longer maintain the status quo
That this society expects me to hold
So I fall into the rabbit hole
Alice's Wasteland
No place for the innocent
But a haven for the damned
Still, as I inhale another white trail
Preparing for another drag-me-down high
A small part of me can't help but wonder
Will I realize it if I die?